Many of my friends started to point out that I had changed a lot. I stopped going on different social gatherings because I wanted to be like him – being considerate and focusing on our relationship. (By the best free mobile hookup apps way, men’s aegyo is much more attractive, it’s killing!)
Gradually, I started to feel that maybe naesung and aegyo in reality had been a part of my nature all along. Maybe this “me” comes out when I meet a guy who makes me relax, and I don’t have to think too much about what he thinks about me. Maybe I was finally enjoying a moment of repose, showing who I really am, in a safe space free from conventional definitions of gender roles.
Through him, I learned relationship is like a mirror that reflects one another, because I realized it was he who had first engaged in some form of aegyo
I had never been the problem; I was fine the way I was in my entirety, whether independent, outgoing or girlish, and I could express myself fully if I was given space, without judgment. I just needed to have the right opportunity, and the right man, to let these ‘girlish’ traits show.
I realized that I might have forced myself until then to be this independent, outgoing girl with an “optimistic character,” fixing problems by myself without relying on my man. Maybe I had been trying to prove something, in this society where people expect girls to be quiet and submissive.
I wish I could say my realization brought me complete freedom from gender norms or expectations of others, but it didn’t. I had doubts about whether I was good enough a girlfriend to him considering that I was keen on remaining an outgoing, independent woman. The more we talked about our future, the more afraid I became that I might not be his perfect life partner. I kept on worrying about whether I could satisfy his friends or parents’ expectations of a “good woman.”
Dating him, and others before that, has allowed me to see my self-contradictions and insecurities. I am self-conscious of my independence and womanhood. I am full of contradictory desires, wanting to be my own self, whatever that may be, but also wanting to meet South Korean society’s standards on what a proper woman should be. All the people I have met at school, at workplaces, even at home have influenced me. It dawns on me that my battle isn’t just about fighting South Korean men’s expectations of how women ought to behave. I learned that I need to fight my own expectations for myself, too.
I finally had an answer to the question I had first posed in my early twenties: My outgoing personality, which attracted men, was not an obstacle to developing stable relationships
I’m still learning about how to balance society’s demands on women and my internal traits. However, now I know I don’t need to suppress my ‘girlish’ impulses in trying to be an independent woman. It’s Valentine’s Day, and I am enjoying making chocolate on my own. I no longer categorize this activity as a womanly activity. It’s just a hobby, that’s all. I also recognize that so-called girlish behaviors like aegyo and naesung are not the preserve of women. Men can do these things just as well as women.
The revelations on my part may be uncomfortable for some South Koreans to bear. (They might say making chocolate is a woman’s hobby and men never do aegyo or naesung.) But I must thank the South Korean men I have dated – even those who have been so critical of me – for leading me down this path of self-discovery. And I look forward to meeting the next man who will help me learn more about who I truly am.
Then a miracle happened. I found myself voluntarily doing the so-called girlish actions, especially aegyo. (It was harder to do naesung – hard as I tried, it just wasn’t in me). I acted like a cute baby, even without trying. I even gave him hand-made chocolate on Valentine’s Day. I was in love, of course, but what was happening to me?