Despite all of this evidence that we really shouldn’t be searching for a version of ourselves to woo, the most common way that Americans find partners these days-websites and apps-are smorgasbords of sameness. Algorithms allow people to find dates like themselves with brutal efficiency. It might make for fewer disputes, but in searching for your doppelganger, you might be overlooking the people who complement you, psychologically and even physically.
N ow that you know what to look for in a mate, you need to change your dating process to find it. Maybe, on most of your first dates, you ask lots of questions in an attempt to find views and interests you share with your suitor. Instead, you should be looking for differences that will balance the two of you out. Here are three ways to get started:
1. Embrace diversity.
Teams diverse in race, gender, worldview, and age perform better at work, broaden one another’s perspectives, and generally make life more interesting. If you agree, then embrace more diversity in your personal life too. Look for people who think differently from you and be open to loving them as friends-and maybe more. Not only does this expand your dating pool; it also makes life more fun. This is exactly what I did three decades ago, and I fell in love with-and ultimately married-a woman with whom I didn’t even share a common language, let alone political views.
2. Focus on personality.
Exit the pool of people who say they would never date someone who disagrees with them politically. The peace forged by dating only your ideological twin is a Faustian bargain, because you may well be sacrificing complementarity and attraction. Try this: Make a deal with someone you plan to go out with that you will not discuss politics at all for at least the first three dates (if you get that far). This way, you will neither assume a match based on this weak criterion, nor rule someone out too early.
3. Let humans make your matches.
One of the most robust trends in meeting potential mates over the past three decades has been the move away from dates set up by friends. More than half of people ages 54–64 have had a “blind date” (a date set up by others, where the daters are unacquainted) in their life, according to DatingAdvice, versus only 20 percent of adults ages 18–24. On the surface, this makes some sense: Why waste a whole dinner out trying to meet a person on the basis of someone else’s recommendation when a closer match is just a few clicks away?
If you have read this far, you know the reason: Traditional blind dates are generally arranged by people who know you and have thought about whether your personality fits with your date’s. The less exclusively you rely on an internet-dating profile, the freer you can be from philosophical prejudices, and the more you might rely on more primitive mechanisms-like your nose.
This strategy only works, of course, when your friends know eligible matches with whom to set you up. If you ask your friends to help https://hookupdate.net/es/app-lesbianas/ and they consistently come up dry, it may be evidence that you need to expand your social circle.
A ll of this advice relies on one very strong assumption: that you care more about finding love than you do about finding similarity in your relationships. If this is not the case, consider the source of your resistance to difference. Perhaps it is fear of the unknown, or family pressure to conform to a particular way of life. Once you identify the force that’s holding you back, ask yourself: Does it merit the price you are paying?